The three main reasons why we exile our parts according to Dick Schwartz

Exiles are one of the most important aspects of the IFS Therapy model theorised by Richard C. Schwartz. This article is based on his book “You are the one you have been waiting for”, which is a masterpiece in describing how we end up exiling some of the most precious parts of ourselves.

Here is some of his ideas with the addition of my comments. For a fuller exploration, I recommend the book (also available as audiobook).

Exiles VS Neo-Exiles

Dick Schwartz talks about two types of exiles: the ones created during childhood, and the ones created after childhood to cope with new situations. Typically we exile more and more parts of ourselves as we try to fit in. We might exile parts of ourselves to be more successful at our chosen career, or we might exile parts to make sure we avoid conflict in our relationships.

In the book, Neo-exiles are explained in detail in the context of relationships and of how partners engage in a silent project of exiling and sacrificing parts for themselves to stay in the relationship. While this topic is both important and interesting, I am going to focus on the exiles that we form as we go through childhood and puberty.

The three main exiling reasons

Exiles are the most hidden and traumatised parts of ourselves. Stuck in a terrible past in which there was no support available, our system has appointed protectors to make sure that nothing similar happens ever again. Protectors go to great lengths to keep the exiles away from our awareness while controlling our life to make sure they do not get triggered. Halas, the system keeps on being affected by the suffering held by exiles.

It might be slightly overwhelming to think of exiles. When I went on my first IFS training, I used to say that my exiles had brought me there, and I am grateful they did. At first, it felt difficult to identify them (my protectors do a very good job after all); some of my colleagues had their exiles ordered and ready to be unburdened… my story was different. Exiles are somehow always present, but difficult to access. It would have helped me greatly if I had read “You are the one you have been looking for” earlier on.

Anyway, without digressing further, here are the three main reasons why we exile parts of us

1. Caretakers or peers were bothered when you showed your vulnerability

2. Caretakers or peers were disturbed by your vitality

3. You were hurting and ended up displaying behaviours that triggered others or disturbed yourself

Reasons 1 and 2 can easily be explained by gender norms.

When exiling happens for the first two reasons, exiles will feel rejected and unlovable

Showing vulnerability (point 1) is generally considered OK for female-bodied people, while male-bodied people are not expected to show vulnerability. Therefore, as soon as someone is identified as “male”, everybody in the community feels entitled to enforce the cultural norms. Showing vulnerability was usually met with strange looks, telling off, fear inducing comments (if people see you crying too much, they will think badly of you), or even bullying and name calling for being too vulnerable.

Showing vitality (point 2) is expected by boys, and not so much by girls. Boys are put in a football field, while girls are put in a room with dolls. Some expression of vitality might be seen as sinful by religious communities, or might seem as showing too much independence and bravery, and therefore needed to be reduced and controlled.

When exiling happens for the third reason, exiles experience insult added to injury

Reason number 3 is a bit more complicated because it is a consequence of the first two. It is likely that either your vulnerable or your vital parts were hurt by caretakers or peers, and that, as a consequence, you started to act out by embracing extreme behaviour. For example, if you were told off for being too active, you hurt so much that, to deal with the hurt, you became even more active, therefore attracting even more criticism.

As Dick Schwartz writes

When exiling happens for the third reason, exiles experience insult added to injury. They carry the memories, sensations, beliefs, and emotions of the hurtful experiences; then they are rejected by others as well as by us.

Unburdening exiles - what is it?

One of the most powerful techniques that IFS Therapy uses is called “exile unburdening”. I struggle to call it a technique because, even if it has clear steps (that can be found in IFS manuals, or, even better, can be learnt by attending IFS training courses), it is in a nutshell, an act of love and self-compassion towards those parts of ourselves that have carried the pain and suffering of trauma for years.

Exile unburdening is a process that cannot be pre-determined because it will happen when the conditions are right.

Our body heals spontaneously if there is no interference. In the same way, our exiles heal when nothing stops the natural process of self-compassion.

It is, therefore, necessary to make sure that other parts do not stand in the way of unburdening an exile. This is achieved by bringing empathy and understanding to those parts who, for good reasons that we do not know of, are opposed to the unburdening or are not aware that they are making it impossible for the unburdening to happen.

Conclusion

Having a little, introductory map of what causes exiling can be a good way to make sense of the fact that, at various points in life, we have been wounded. We spend many years not knowing about our psychological wounds, and the result is that we live in a heavily traumatised world.

We have carried trauma for many years and becoming aware of it is one of the most important steps towards healing. Please take care of yourself when you think, read or explore your exiles. They need love, care and compassion.