The more I work with IFS (Internal Family Systems) Therapy, the more I discover interesting aspects of our inner system. Lately I have been reflecting on gender and on how strongly our systems are influenced by the fact that the body has a certain gender.
A few words on gender
Before continuing, let me write a bit more about gender. I do not consider gender as a fixed quality, but as a fluid aspect of a person. I therefore often refer to the process by which someone feels their gender as “gendering”.
Also, gender is more than the biological aspects of a body (genitalia, body hair, breasts, etc.). We are almost always at the receiving end of other people’s judgements about our gender. We are both “gendered” by others (based on their views on gender and the situation we are in), and we are also “gendering” ourselves from moment to moment.
For example, if I am the only person with a male body in a group of people with female bodies, I am more easily gendered as “male” than if I was in a situation with a mixture of biological genders.
I like to think of someone’ gender as having the following qualities
Biological sex - the physical, biological aspects of the body
Gender identity - how someone feels “inside” and identify themselves as
Gender expression - the ways in which a person uses culturally codified ways of expressions of a specific gender
Gender fluidity - all the above are not fixed, but fluid. They depend on the situation in which someone is in, and also on age and culture. They can be different moment by moment for the same person
Some people might reject some or all of the above qualities, which come from my limited view of this topic
It is common for people who do not identify with the binary male/female ways of seeing gender to use a different pronoun for themselves.
Burdens in IFS (Internal Family Systems)
Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy is currently affirming itself as one of the most effective ways of treating trauma, and much of the trauma experienced by people on the LGBTQI+ spectrum comes from painful interactions with a world that, still in 2022, struggles to accept differences in gender and sexuality. The word “heteronormative” has been created to describe that heterosexuality is considered the “norm” and, therefore, our societies are built to accommodate the needs of these particular chunk of society that has a body of a certain biological gender, identifies with the gender of their body (cisgender), and is attracted to people with a body of the opposite gender.
For those who do not fall into the above category, the experiences are painful and vary from being threatened by family members for “dishonouring” the family, being persecuted (by law or by society), being bullied, marginalised, not offered jobs, excluded from places and services, and the list continues.
IFS uses the word burden to indicated something that our parts have taken on, but that does not originally belong to the system.
In IFS we believe that systems are born perfect as they are because of the presence of Self. Unfortunately, traumatic experiences impact the various parts, who start to “run the show” under the influence of fears and beliefs that have been formed as a result of traumas. These fears and beliefs that parts have taken on (and hold on to) are what we call “burdens” in IFS.
Burdens are, therefore, not parts, but they are aspects of parts that the system does not really need, and can be let go of. Unfortunately, parts carry these burdens either for protective reasons or because they have never experienced anything different and are left with toxic views of life that cannot be changed by simply saying “I do not believe in this any more”.
So, what is a gendered burden?
Burdens can be taken on for many reasons, and some of them are due to the fact that we are born with a body of a certain gender. As a consequence, we are treated as “heterosexual cisgender” beings since very early in our life. The gender of our body determines
the clothing we are given,
the activities we are encouraged to do,
the toys we are given,
the language we are allowed to use,
the emotions we are allowed to express,
the places we are allowed to visit and with whom…
While the majority of people might feel protected and empowered by the list above, others might receive the message “there is something really wrong with you”. The way in which certain behaviours are condemned based on gender is immediate and unanimous: “boys don’t cry”, “man up”, “you hair is too long/short”, “girls don’t go with girls”, “boys don’t go with boys”.
Almost every language has denigrative terms to describe a boy/man who does not behave, speak and move as the cultural norms impose. Language is also often used to insult someone’s sexual behaviours based on gender, and these words are usually addressed to women.
Burdens can se so strong that they stop the system from embracing the fullness of their gender and sexual diversities. If the whole world repeats the message that “boys don’t go with boys”, the only option for survival is that the system takes on the burden of hiding and disowning aspects of their sexuality.
Unfortunately, it gets worse. It is not uncommon that people are treated as sexual predators since early ages just because they have a male body. It is not uncommon for boys to be told, since very young, messages that go like “men don’t treat women well, behave!”
Working with gendered burdens in IFS - recognise your biases!
In order to work with these burdens, it is important that the client feels able and comfortable enough to talk about the topic of gender and sexual diversity.
These burdens are often not the first and more evident ones, yet they are pervasive and influence the system in many ways. Gendered burdens might have existed since a very young age and, therefore, the system might not even know that there is a burden because there hasn’t been any experience of a burden-free life.
The first step is to identify these burdens and it is important that the therapist does not have parts that hold biases and/or strong opinions about gender. It is very easy to recreate, in the therapeutic relationship, the same cultural norms that have sustained these burdens throughout the client’s life.
I invite the reader to reflect on the following
What is your experience of gender?
Are you open to the fact that people have gender experiences different to yours?
What are your reactions to behaviours that do not conform to usual gender norms?
Are you aware that your language might carry gendered messages that propagate fixed gender norms?
What reactions would you have if someone shared their experience of gender to you?
It is only after these biases are reduced that a gendered burden can be seen, acknowledged and worked with.
Operatively, it is important to ask the part (or parts) that carry the burden and proceed as usual with unburdening.
The social rewards of keeping burdens
Once a gendered burden is named, it is important to check all reactions from different parts. Some parts might feel happy that such a burden has been named and some parts might feel scared that some well-kept secret is going to be revealed.
Social pressure is such a big factor in people’s lives that we all have parts that care and defend our social status. People might have never been able to name their own sexual and gender tendencies because of fear of shame and rejection. Identifying as non-binary, bisexual, queer, intersectual or transgender usually comes with a lot of further burdens. Will others understand? Will others tolerate? Will I lose love and protection from people and institutions? Will I be persecuted?
Protectors are constantly scanning for danger, and it makes sense that the system decides to keep the burdens rather than embracing their own diversity and living by it.
It is important to identify why the system is keeping gendered burdens. Usually the social rewards of conforming to a heterosexual and cisgender identity are much greater than the pain and discomfort in not allowing your own parts to live a express themselves freely.
It is important to honour what the whole system wants to do with their gender preferences, and to respect all parts. A burden can only be shifted and let go of when all parts are in agreement. If not, the burden is likely to return.
Final words
I hope that you have found the information in this article useful. Please bear in mind that this is a big topic and that it is very likely that burdens of this type are legacy burdens or unattached burdens and they belong to cultural norms or to societal pressure.
If you have any thoughts or want to contact me about this or other content, please use the contact page. Thank you