The IFS (Internal Family Systems) model of psychotherapy is spreading rapidly around the world among people interested in healing. In this article, I am hoping to help people who are starting their IFS journey either as clients or as professionals who are learning how to use the IFS model.

It is weird, but important to ask this question

I believe that the IFS model, founded by Dick Schwartz, is revolutionary in many aspects, and the question “How do you feel toward this part of you?” is one of the most unusual, yet intriguing and crucial, of the model.

Asking such a question is weird. There is no other way to put it! I am expecting every reader to have parts of themselves that think that this question is either pointless or awkward (at least I had these parts for a long time).

Before I start, let me guide you through a little exercise (just to make sure we are on the same page).

EXERCISE

Take a moment to turn your attention inwards. For this exercise, take a couple of breaths and notice what is more alive in you right now (please do not pick anything too strong or too traumatic). Now focus on it for a while and try to find three or four words to describe whatever it is that is coming to your attention

• If it is a physical sensation, describe how it feels;

• If it is an image, describe what you see;

• If it is a thought, describe what it is telling you and the tone it carries.

Now that you have spent a few seconds focussing on this part, pause and check how you are feeling towards the part that you were focussing on.

END of Exercise.

Now it is time to notice what happened to you when I asked you how you felt towards that part of you. Did you get an answer straightaway? Or maybe a part of you thought “What on earth are you asking me?”, or “Here we are again… I never know how to answer this question!”, or “I don’t like this question, let me just skip it”. Of course there might have been more reactions than the ones I am describing.

My point is that, whether you are a client or a therapist, these reactions ARE what you are truly feeling in that moment and, if they do not get accepted and listened to, they can hijack the whole IFS process.

Yes I am serious when I say that they can ruin the experience of therapy, which is linked to my first point…

Asking “How do you feel towards this part?” reveals the level of Self energy available to the system

This is such a key point in IFS therapy, that I cannot stress its importance enough. Personally I had parts of me that used to dislike this question when I first started learning the model. These were my favourite excuses not to ask this question

• There we go now… I am going to ask the awkward question that will make my client cringe and look at me as if I am crazy (lack of confidence in the model and in my abilities);

• I am sure the model will work even if I do not ask this question… I’ll just skip it and hope for the best (I can do this my own way…);

• I am a psychotherapist already, and I can assess whether there is enough Self energy without asking (sense of superiority…).

I was lucky enough that my clients, despite my skeptical or superiority parts, responded well to the question often enough to give these parts of me proof that the method works.

Now I have made a complete U-turn. I cannot wait for the moment in which I can ask this question. I have only embraced this question fully when I accepted the idea of Self and started working explicitly with Self energy in the session.

For those who would like alternatives to this question, the good news is that there are plenty available. The most important aspect is, as a matter of fact, not the words used, but the intention behind it and the level of Self energy held by the therapist while asking. The reason why we ask “How do you feel towards this part?” is because we want to find out whether, and to what extent, the client’s Self is present.

Evaluating the quality of a client’s Self energy is a constant task for the therapist, whose curiosity about it should never falter. It is the amount of Self energy available to the client (and, of course, to the therapist) that determines the best therapeutic intervention moment by moment.

It might be that you ask “How does your heart feel towards that part?”, or “Do you notice any reaction other than curiosity or compassion to this part?”… in the end what matters is that you, the therapist, are asking this question with enough Self energy to hold whatever the client does with it. This brings me to the second point I want to make.

Asking “How do you feel towards this part?” can only reveal more about the client’s inner world

Even if a part of the client does not like the question, their answer will reveal a very important part of their system. A skilful therapist will take note of that part and either engage with it as soon as it shows up, or reflect on it after the session, or take it to a consultation session. It is down to the therapist to assess whether it would be beneficial to use different words, or maybe provide more guidance. Here is what I do in some circumstances

• Sometimes I tell my client “Imagine you are an inner observer and that you are observing that part in you… can you do it? [this is usually doable by clients and they say “yes”]… now that you are this inner observer I want you to notice how you are relating to this part;

• Some other times I might offer some prompts (using my intuition) like “notice what happens in you when you notice that this part exists inside of you… do you go “I wish it wasn’t there” or “I don’t like it”?

Usually one of the above two is enough to support any client in experiencing a sense of separation from the part they are focussing on. That sense of separation is so crucial to IFS (we call it “unblending”) that it is a shame to not give the client’s system an opportunity to unblend by not asking “How do you feel towards this part?”.

Ok… what if I am a client and I get asked this question, and I really don’t like it?

There is no obligation to answer any questions in IFS, nor there is any expectation that a client likes the questions. It is perfectly understandable that a client does not feel comfortable with that particular question and I have faith that any therapist who has been trained by a recognised IFS trainer will do their best to find a way forward with you.

If you are a client and this is happening to you, I would invite you to openly discuss it with your therapist. If you have parts of yourself that feel that they cannot say something like that to a therapist, perhaps write a short email or simply bring up the fact that, in a previous session, something felt uncomfortable.

I am saying this because I know that ignoring these reactions to that question and pretending they do not exist can potentially slow down the therapeutic progress, and interfere with it. IFS has such a life changing potential, that it would be a shame not to make the most of it.

In summary

Whether you are learning how to use the IFS model as a therapist/practitioner or you are starting IFS therapy as a client, the question “How do you feel towards this part of you?” is bound to come up.

As I explained in my first two points, this question has a doble effect: not only it assesses the amount of Self energy available, but makes it possible for a part to unblend from Self. I cannot find a better way than this to achieve two crucial outcomes with one simple question.

If you are a client who is reading more about the model, I hope that you can find a way to communicate to your therapist so that they can work with you in finding a way to work together with IFS.

I hope that you have found some useful information in this article. Feel free to comment or share and please do let me know if you spot any spelling mistakes as I am mildly dyslexic and I tend to make them.